When the Past Comes Back ...

A few weeks ago over spring break, I went to visit the high school I graduated from to do some teacher observations. Cool right? Well, maybe not. As I walked in I felt a flood of emotions. After all, I hadn't even set foot in the building for almost two years. I was excited to see my old teachers of course, but there was something else too. Something I hadn't really felt in a long time.

It was that tightness in my gut, the drying of my throat. I was on edge. It was the same feeling I used to get most days in high school. I thought, "This is absurd. I'm a big girl. I can handle this. I don't even know anyone who goes here anymore. What could I possibly have to be afraid of?" As the day went on I continued to feel off as I watched kids interact with each other the way all high school kids act.

Then I heard it. One boy said to another, a friend of his, "Aw dude, you're such a fag." The teacher, within earshot, said nothing. I cringed. That's what it was. All the hate and ignorance I experienced in high school and the toll it had taken on me as a teenager was still there. It all came rushing back to me as if it were yesterday. That one little three letter word made the bile rise up in my gut. I wanted to curse him out right there and then. Project four years of bullying from my mind to his. I wanted the teacher to admonish him, tell him what an ignorant little ass he sounded like. I wanted to believe that someone would do something.


Being back in that building and having those feelings I used to have everyday come back full force makes me realize what a weight I used to carry around. Now that I'm older (but not by much), I can look back at my old self and conclude that next time (and there will be many next times) I'll stand up for at the very least, myself. My ability to cope with what has happened in my past has gotten better. It has served as a reminder the power that words can have in triggering what has happened to us.

For those who feel the way I have felt, it gets better. It will get better.