One of Those Moments

So, as I mentioned in my first post I have been questioning who I am lately and trying to figure out my sexuality. All of this has left me unsure about who I am, what I like, and basically completely in the dark. However, even though I don't know who/what I am in terms of sexuality at Ursinus I feel like that doesn't matter. The friends I have and Queer House have allowed me to explore myself and not be worried about judgement.

But then I went home for spring break. For my entire life, even now, I present as "straight" (whatever that means) but everyone has assumed I am straight and I still have a great deal of straight privilege. Which is cool, whatever. But I was home for an entire day before my mom just looked at me and said "Are you gay?" A really wonderful thing to be asked by your mom who you only see every few months. I was stunned. The only reason I could come up with that she would ask something like this out of the blue was the night before, she asked me "are there any girls that you are interested in, lately?"


This could be weird for some people to have their mom ask them this, but there are a few reasons why its totally not weird in this case. 1. I just got out of a 4 year relationship last fall which was pretty devastating at the time, and my mom knew that. 2. My mom is not that old, so she is a lot more forward and comfortable about asking these things. 3. My mom is genuinely interested in my personal life and always has been.

My response was basically just shaking off the question and ignoring it for a second, then saying "I'm not interested in a relationship right now." Which is true, but I can't tell my mom that I have hooked up with people (notice the lack of gender specification) this past semester because that would ignite a really interesting conversation about 1. my sexual preferences and 2. the ethics of hooking up with people and forgetting about it. Both seem like conversations I wouldn't want to engage on a weekend with my mom.

Then, the next day, she told me that one of her friends came in and told my mom about how the friend's son came out to her. The friend said it was "okay, but don't tell anyone." To me, my mom expressed how she felt that was messed up. She then said if her son came out to her she would be really supportive. She quickly followed this up with "I don't know, maybe it's just because it's not my son." My heart sank at this. I felt for a second, I would be able to someday tell my mom, "Hey mom, I'm bi I think" but instead I was just left with this feeling of insecurity and confusion. Then, finally, on the last day I was home one of my mom's friends took me to a hockey game (haha) and on the way back randomly asked me "Hey, are there a lot of bisexuals at your school?" And I just like mumbled and shook my head. Great end to a swell break.

I feel like this is a really cliche in the closet kind of story, but it was still so nerve racking. My mom had me when she was just a teenager and we are really close because of that. And I'm the first born son, which is a big deal I guess. I don't know. I hope one day that I understand myself and trust my family enough to let them know. But also its stupid to have to tell anything, or identify as anything, but whatevs. For those of you that thought this was interesting, this is going to be the format of my blog. I'm going to present times when my sexuality was front and center and forced me to think.