When the Past Comes Back ...

A few weeks ago over spring break, I went to visit the high school I graduated from to do some teacher observations. Cool right? Well, maybe not. As I walked in I felt a flood of emotions. After all, I hadn't even set foot in the building for almost two years. I was excited to see my old teachers of course, but there was something else too. Something I hadn't really felt in a long time.

It was that tightness in my gut, the drying of my throat. I was on edge. It was the same feeling I used to get most days in high school. I thought, "This is absurd. I'm a big girl. I can handle this. I don't even know anyone who goes here anymore. What could I possibly have to be afraid of?" As the day went on I continued to feel off as I watched kids interact with each other the way all high school kids act.

Then I heard it. One boy said to another, a friend of his, "Aw dude, you're such a fag." The teacher, within earshot, said nothing. I cringed. That's what it was. All the hate and ignorance I experienced in high school and the toll it had taken on me as a teenager was still there. It all came rushing back to me as if it were yesterday. That one little three letter word made the bile rise up in my gut. I wanted to curse him out right there and then. Project four years of bullying from my mind to his. I wanted the teacher to admonish him, tell him what an ignorant little ass he sounded like. I wanted to believe that someone would do something.


Being back in that building and having those feelings I used to have everyday come back full force makes me realize what a weight I used to carry around. Now that I'm older (but not by much), I can look back at my old self and conclude that next time (and there will be many next times) I'll stand up for at the very least, myself. My ability to cope with what has happened in my past has gotten better. It has served as a reminder the power that words can have in triggering what has happened to us.

For those who feel the way I have felt, it gets better. It will get better.

What's in a Name?

So maybe I'm in the minority, but when I think about gay right's and all that I have very mixed feelings.  On the one hand, yes, I want equal rights, I want to be treated like everybody else, I want to be accepted, I want to be allowed to marry the man I love, but on the flip side, I just want to be thought of as normal.  I know this isn't very clear, so I will try to explain.

Why do we have to have titles? Terms? Why are we gay, bi, straight, lesbian, homosexual, heterosexual, transgender?  Can't we all just be?  This is the idea of utter acceptance which I desire for the future.  A world where no one discriminates because they don't know what discrimination is.  Some activists are so about putting "I'M DIFFERENT" in someone's face that it turns people away.  And I'm not trying to say my way is best either, I just like to think that the more subtle route is the more sound route, and thus the longest lasting.  I wish I could see a world where we were all just humans.  Some might say that is boring, though I feel we could then begin to focus on the positive differences between us all.

These are just some thoughts...

Passivity and Non-participation

I'm somewhat of a hypocrite. It's a symptom of the human condition, so, to some degree, we all are. But I've been asking myself a question, and every fragment of an opinion or discussion or observation that's contributed to this question has only left me with an equally fragmented answer.

If one believes in something -- oh, gay rights, for example -- but is only a passive supporter, does one actually contribute to the cause negatively? Is non-participation a form of adverse participation?

Thinking About Safe Spaces

Recently, I've been wondering about why many folks in the queer community (myself included) don't party in Reimert or the main street houses. (To clarify, for those who don't know, these are the Places to Be on campus when the weekend rolls around.) It's not like I don't enjoy parties. Like any good college student, I utilize parties to escape momentarily from the relentlessness of the academic work week. I indulge the idea that there is something important outside the drudgery of career building bullshit by engaging in a little hedonistic foreplay to what I hope will be some kind of life-changing experience. Yet, I rarely feel the need to wander over to the spaces where this exact kind of thing is happening. Why is that?

Of course, there are the obvious answers that these places are notoriously homophobic and uninspiringly heteronormative. We all know that the real reason we turn our Friday nights into carnivalesque binging sessions is to ensure that, by the end of it, we will be going home with another person. Naturally, being queer makes this a much more complex, nerve-wracking process. And that doesn't sound like much fun at all.

One of Those Moments

So, as I mentioned in my first post I have been questioning who I am lately and trying to figure out my sexuality. All of this has left me unsure about who I am, what I like, and basically completely in the dark. However, even though I don't know who/what I am in terms of sexuality at Ursinus I feel like that doesn't matter. The friends I have and Queer House have allowed me to explore myself and not be worried about judgement.

But then I went home for spring break. For my entire life, even now, I present as "straight" (whatever that means) but everyone has assumed I am straight and I still have a great deal of straight privilege. Which is cool, whatever. But I was home for an entire day before my mom just looked at me and said "Are you gay?" A really wonderful thing to be asked by your mom who you only see every few months. I was stunned. The only reason I could come up with that she would ask something like this out of the blue was the night before, she asked me "are there any girls that you are interested in, lately?"

Meet Our Bloggers: Rachel!

Grandmother Rachel has fallen and can't get up!

Hi I'm Rachel (clearly). I'm a senior, History Major, Education Minor. I'm 22 years old. I'm super excited to be contributing! :D

I'm originally from Thomaston, Connecticut, but now live in Southbury, CT. I did theater and was an active member of my high school's GSA. I came out to my family as bisexual in phases throughout high school. While not everyone has been supportive, my Mom is one of my biggest allies. I've fully embraced my identity as the B in LGBTQA.

My hobbies include knitting, baking (I'm a Grandma trapped in a 22 year old body), watching movies/TV, and spending time with my 2 cats and dog. I'm a huge History nerd and will often write down funny things my profs say in class and quote them. I love to talk, and probably talk too much, but I'm also a great listener and love to that too! Get to know me!

Meet Our Bloggers: Alexis!

Alexis being super stoked!

My name is Alexis Lynn Murauskas! I’m 21 years old! I study English and Theatre! I’m super stoked about everything!

I was born in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. I spent most of my life there swimming, dreaming, and singing with my incredible mom and too many pets. Luckily, when I came out to her as “different” at the age of sixteen, I was met with love and acceptance. (Fun fact: My girlfriend Sarah and I were the first out couple at my high school!) Since then, I have spent an incredible amount of time ruminating on my sexuality and gender identity. My current conclusion is that I am androgynous and ambiguous, and this is not a cop-out.

Some other cool things about me: I love learning. I hope to earn my Ph.D studying comic books from a feminist perspective. I love singing. You can catch me almost any day playing ukulele and guitar and belting out my favorite tunes. I love cooking and baking. Wait, rephrase, I LOVE cooking and baking! I am vegan, so I make some pretty wacky things. I love friendship! Come talk to me!

Meet Our Bloggers: Edwin!

Really. Watch Edwin's video.

Hey! My name’s Edwin, a junior English major. I just came back from a semester abroad in Florence, Italy, where I lived with a family that didn’t speak any English and studied Art History with first-hand examples available in the various museums. Writing is my passion, and I love the outdoors, running, traveling and film. Every Thursday night I host a movie night at Schaff, the Queer House, where I live, and many of the movies are queer-themed. You should come!

Other than to a few friends in high school, I came out in my freshman year. I’ve been lucky — no one has rejected me. Even my old friends from high school, a fair number of whom were guys given to making gay jokes and obnoxiously exclaiming “no homo!”, were supportive and even defensive of me to others, putting to rest years of naïve worrying that being gay meant you couldn’t be friends with straight guys.